God has some clean up and fix up work to do on my heart this year. And this month He’s been making it pretty clear where the focus is!
There are hurts and pains from my past (relationships, fears, and struggles) that have been lingering beneath the surface for many years. Unbeknownst to even me, these past memories and experiences have been messing with my freedom to live, love, and be ME. I’d built a sort of wall around myself to protect the most vulnerable part of me. I have fear that if i get close to someone and let them in too far that they will find something in me that they dislike, and then they’ll leave me, rejected, alone and hurt.
My greatest fear in life is rejection.
God has been bringing this fear to my attention, and as a loving, relentless Father He is allowing me to feel the pain, and deal with the issues by putting them right in my face so I can’t ignore them any longer! Through the hurt God is also bringing the healing!
The other night I was emotionally and spiritually drained! We were doing so much ministry, running here and there non stop! It was great I was getting to pour out, feel for, and invest in so many little lives. But I’m not super woman and the power and love that I have to give does not grow in my body naturally. I need to come to the spring of living water to refill. With go, go, going I had put quality time with God on the back burner, and I was burning myself out by giving of myself to serve others, and I wasn’t getting refueled! And I was emotional, tired, and really feeling a lack of the strength that comes from the Lord.
Thankfully our Father of Love pursues us even when we’re not pursuing Him!
1John 4:18 “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear!”
I read 1John 4, verse 18 spoke volumes to me! To sum it up, I have nothing to fear or worry about!!! And boy is there a peace that comes with understanding that! My past, my present, my future, are all in His (my LOVE’s) hands. Nothing and nobody can change that! Yeah I have questions, I have hurts, and yes I wish I knew WHY more often. BUT, despite my fears and failures, my God does KNOW EVERYTHING, and he has EVERYTHING worked out for my good because I’m His beloved daughter whom He cherishes and loves to give good gifts to! I can run after Him without a second thought, or sideways glance, and with a peace in my heart knowing that He’ll lead me down the path I should go! I can place all my cares, burdens, fears, and hurts on Him, and He’ll take them, deal with them, and in return give me joy, peace, and love!
Wow, what a blessing! I have been soooooo loved!
1John 4:11 “Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his son to be the propitiation for our sins.”
1John 4:11 “Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.”
As I talked to God up on our roof, the other night, looking out over the city lights spread before me, I prayed for the love that fills Gods heart. I wanted to know what He feels when He looks at these thousands of people, that He has created, and that He has suffered and died for. I have the gospel message that they need to hear! May my heart break for what breaks Gods heart. May my mouth speak the love of Jesus. May my actions continue to display the love that has been given to me!
My word of the month is vulnerability. And what that means is that I can be ME and not have to hide it in the least. I can be the, weird, crazy, goofy, outspoken, Jesus freak that I am, and not worry about others not liking what they see. I can face the past and allow myself to feel the pain so that God can heal the deepest hurts in my heart. I can share what’s going on inside with my team, and I can be honest and share constructive and uplifting feedback with them. I can share my opinion (even if I’m the only one who has ever thought of such a crazy thing) and be real with how I feel on any given subject! I can BE who God has made ME, and mess up and be forgiven, and continue to grow and refine my personality to be more of a blessing and encouragment to others. I’m a work in progress, just like everybody else, and true friends stick by ya in the thick and the thin! There is no fear of rejection in real love!
I had the opportunity to be the weird, crazy, goofy me this last week =)
We did a program for a preschool class where we got to share the salvation message with over two hundred kids. I prancing and flopped around as a goofy clown. I dressed up as Spider man in the super hero’s song, and over exaggerated the motions to Open the Eyes of my Heart. I also played the role of a dirty little boy, who never bathes, in the puppet skit we did. All of our fun stuff was pulled together to explain to the kidos the love of Jesus! I may have found my calling in life, clowning and puppeteering! I loved it, and I loved that sharing Jesus with kids can be oh so fun!!!
I also had the opportunity to feel for the pain of others as we held, hugged and played with little orphans at two of the children’s homes we’re working with.
My heart really went out to these kids who have not experienced the love of earthly parents. The two that touched my heart the most were Josie and Jilmer.
Josie is an adorable, smily, happy little girl who is desperate for attention and sometimes bangs her head on the hard cement floor so that someone will come to her. Josie was born blind and left alone, by her parents, at a health care center.
Jilmer was my content little buddy who decided to share his lunch with me (aka puke on my pants). As a baby Jilmer experienced a gas stove explosion, he thankfully escaped the fire, but unfortunately the explosion killed his mother. Jilmer has been left with the memory of his pain burned on his face forever.
Often times when I see the suffering and hurt of others it makes me feel silly for thinking I need love and comforting. But God does not separate His children into categories. God does not only focus His love on those that we humans think need the most help. Gods love is personal to each and every one of us. There’s no sin to big for God to forgive, and there’s no hurt to small for God to heal! But it is good to put things in prospective, and be thankful for all the good things we have rather then dwell on the things we may be lacking.
